Revisited

That darkness crept in again.

Somehow it always does.

Sitting here wishing that I could go back in time. How many times has someone wished the same thing? Have You ever? Maybe it was something you said to me that you are hoping I’ll forget. Or a promise you made that you now wish you could un-make. Is falling something you’d change?

Excuse me while I continue to dig this hole all by myself. Keep that rope curled up at your feet. When I’m deeply submerged in the darkness you can throw it to me. As if you could rescue me..

Officially psyched for the next few years. I’ve found a couple programs I want to work towards – one in the UK – University of Kingston. The program would be for one year working towards my “Publishing & Creative Economy Masters (MA)” specializing in women’s literary traditions? Or women’s writing since the seventeenth century??

EITHER WAY – That would be perfect, Kingston is only 20 mins drive from Grandmas (about an hour on the bus) I could totally make that work! Wow..

S. Don’t lose sight of what is most important. Take the small steps now so that looking back in ten years, you can say ‘wow, I’ve come so far.’

❤

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Thursday Evening

Tonight I am slowing down to appreciate the simple pleasures of life. After reconnecting with some friends from the past I invited my favourites of today to join me in an evening of inappropriate smoking, drinking wine and, 100% guaranteed, an amazing evening 🙂 

The happy comes in waves – Perhaps I have too much time on my hands? I constantly worry about the dumb things in life. But for now, just the glass in my hand and the friends sat across the table dominate my mind and consume my energy.

True happiness.

Prospect of Love

What’s wrong? Where are the smiles we used to share
behind the backs of the others?

Why are you keeping your sadness inside? I want to know whats wrong,
hold you until you feel safe enough to walk ahead of me.
Don’t you know you’re stronger than this?

Never look back, just know that I am half a step behind you
ready to catch you if you should fall.
Not that you would be down for long, because you’re you.

I admire. I fall every time. I just can’t help but love you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this homesick. The air here feels so foreign as though it has invaded, not I. Longing for a way back.

A House Divided

For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this:

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14

This passage wasn’t even mentioned this morning. I interpret this to mean that above all else, because Jesus died on a cross for me and my sins, the only way to fulfill every law of God is to love everyone around me. A sermon on sexuality led to the topic of homosexuality and I found myself filled with unease as the pastor explained his beliefs which were backed by cries of ‘amen’ from the congregation.

Sometimes I just don’t agree with the religion I label myself under. B and I have very different opinions on a lot of things.. I worry.

And if a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. Mark 3:25

Where’s the line?

Daily struggles

I’m always left out. Every time I volunteer to help somebody I usually get told to sit and watch, or just sit and keep guard, or just wait for the others. I’m not really sure how to change that. I think I’ll always be left out. Because deep down I don’t know what being let in feels like.

A look through the glass makes me feel like I’m on show.
I’ve never felt as small as you make me feel.
The murmurs of talk, as you walk away fill my stomach with a sickness that I’ve known my whole life.
The sickness expands filling my lungs until I can’t breath,
my throat fills and my words are hushed as the sickness reaches my head.
Overflowing and streaming down my neck to a place where it gathers on the floor beside me.
I look down, seeing myself but not realizing.
I’m actually looking up and remembering the girl who once sat where I sat.
That was a long time ago now, that almost never happened.

The sickness is all I’ve known.

Shambala. It’s going to happen. I just read a post that convinced me even more that this is something I need to experience. I’m not only excited about the chance to go this summer, but the chance to attend the next year, and the next.

I had a “earth-to” moment today when I came to the conclusion that my life is boring and I need to change it – ASAP. So I spent many hours today thinking about my life now, and my life five years ago, but more importantly, my life five years from now.. Am I heading down the path I really want to be following? Or is that dark mysterious forest to the left more my style? Right now I’m dabbling on the edge but I think life would be far more interesting if I indulge for just a few years. Then I’ll return to this narrow path and be a closeted freak. I just want a few years to experience every sensation, see horribly beautiful, sexual, earthly, natural things…

does any of this make sense?

Anyway. Take a look at the blog post that gave me the desire to go, here.

And these are two songs to convince you to come too…this one and this one! The more I listen to ‘Move for Me’ the more amazing it becomes.

Have a wonderful night you readers of blog posts,

S

For A

How doth the little busy Bee

Improve, each Shining Hour,

And gather Honey all the day

From every opening Flower!

 

How skilfully she builds her Cell!
How neat she spreads the Wax!
And labours hard to store it well

With the sweet Food she makes.

 

In Works of Labour or of Skill
I would be busy too:
For Satan finds some Mischief still

For idle Hands to do.

 

In Books, or Work, or healthful Play

Let my first Years be past,

That I may give for every Day

Some good Account at last.

 

– Isaac Watt

How beautifully destructive this is…

 

p.s. how ghetto is that rhymin’ giirrrl