Sunday

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Today B is coming over to talk about things with me. Yesterday was just plain weird.. we spent the afternoon (when he finally decided he was ready for us to hang out) getting things together for dinner. We watched BB13, then made dinner, then started to watch 40-year-old virgin. Such a weird afternoon. The vibes between us were just so off. I feel like he’s not attracted to me anymore – I always feel hesitant to hang out now in case we have an argument. I don’t like fighting with anyone, especially him. We’re supposed to be together forever… but as of late? I’m just not sure..

What do I do in this mess? How do I rekindle a relationship while it’s feeling like I’m working by myself. What if he’s feeling the same way about all this and just is too afraid to say something?

Are my expectations too high? Should we want to spend everyday together? We both always say we’re looking forward to getting married. We’re waiting for marriage – no sex til after we say ‘I do’ – BUT it’s not the sex I’m even thinking about. Its living together too.. no living together, sleeping next to each other, nothing.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE IF WE CAN’T DO ALL OF THE THINGS WE’RE GOING TO DO UNTIL WE’RE MARRIED. What if we can’t stand each other? What if he just withdraws further and I continue to feel alone in a relationship that feels more and more like a friendship everyday. I don’t know what to do šŸ˜¦

Like I said, he’s coming over to chat about things. I doubt he’ll say much. What a waste of time.

We used to be so happy. I’m not sure when it all changedĀ  but of course I’m contributing it to my weight gain. I don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore – which is fine. He’s a great looking guy, and he’s charming and sweet. He’ll find someone else if he wants to – in a heartbeat.

If we broke up I think I’d go off the deep end. Ultimate seclusion for a long time.

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