With the blinds drawn I am completely hidden from the world outside. The setting of my life that consumes and overwhelms me on a daily basis. Inside I am safe with my parents, my thoughts. My body is scared to take steps out, my mind races at the thought of spending the day out with people I don’t trust. When the blinds are opened, as the sun comes up, I’m forced to face the world that terrifies me. It gets worse when my only plan is to lie to my boss and my mum, take refuge at my fathers house only to find he drank himself into a stupor when I declined his invitation for dinner last night. The guilt that floods my existence drowns me. I feel sick to my stomach. That kind of feeling that rises to your throat and sticks there for hours so you have to constantly swallow back your emotions.
Anxiety is something that is talked about frequently these days. The stigma is dropping slowly, but the problem is that those with anxiety are too anxious to seek the help they need. I wish there was a button you could press to show everyone exactly how I feel on a daily basis. I can’t explain exactly the dread that fills me most days at the simplest of tasks.
At 22 I’m beginning to think this will haunt me for the rest of my life. It will hinder my ability to work where I want to work, and to support my children. My husband won’t understand and he’ll resent me, or worse, feel sorry for me, leading me down the road of guilt once again. I can’t put this on someone else. It’s no one’s fault, not even mine, and it certainly isn’t something anyone can fix.
On the inside I’m crying, but on the outside I’m just an angry, selfish, loud girl. Is there another way to live?