I finally fixed my laptop!

What a great few days it has been – I’m not working anymore and for the last 4 days I’ve done exactly what I want when I want. I spend every morning working out and planning my meals for the day. Then I walk over to the tanning salon and tan – after which I usually pick up a starbucks. All-in-all, I’ve begun to feel more like myself. I paid for my school fees finally (with a little help from an angel, here on earth) and reconnected with friends that I had thought were out of my life forever. Confidence. Its back with a vengeance!

I’m hoping that this feeling will last when B returns. He’s been away for a week – and I hope that he just makes me more excited and happy.. I would hate to come to the realization that maybe all of my stresses come from not really knowing who I am when I’m in the shadow of BB. (heavy…)

Yesterday I met with the youth pastor of our church and expressed my interest to be an adult leader for ‘Youth’ (basically any teenager from grade 6-12 can stop by, learn about Jesus, ask questions about faith, and spend time with their homies in a safe environment). He said I’d be a great leader – someone the girls would look up to. I just hope I can stay committed. Every Friday from Sept 13 ’til July ’14… Two thoughts run through my head simultaneously: 1) WOW – B and I will have been together two years at that point! 2) What if B and I split? Super awkward, anxious, panicked moments. I would just stop going. And let everyone down. Again. SOML…

I suppose my outlook should be one of hope – that this year I will grow more than I ever have, and I will help others grow and be mini-leaders.

It feels like he’s been gone so much longer than he has. I’ve accomplished so much this week. Greatest accomplishment? Not bailing on S 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet up. I almost did, but I’m so terribly glad I didn’t. We had the most amazing conversation about life and goals, and how we’re both feeling about our place in life. He told me his struggles with a mutual friend of ours and we ranted at how this girl refuses to grow up. Junior High has called for her several times and wants her back – she ignores everyone. If you do something to piss her off in January, she’ll bring it up in June. Not in the normal way we adults do, but by acting like a sulky bitch and then saying ‘nothing’ when you ask ‘whats wrong?’ or ‘I’m fine’ to the question ‘y’okay?’ Now she’s been avoiding S because she’s dating a new guy and doesn’t have the lady balls to say that she’s only interested in being friends. 

Yeesh! Women..

I’m getting really excited for upcoming things – Training for youth, losing weight, first day of classes, first night of youth, retreats, events, worship, UK trip. Most of all, I’m really looking forward to loving myself, and those around me. It feels good to be loved 🙂

 

S

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