Monday (afternoon)

After spending a week by myself I’m not sure what is right for me anymore. Chatting with S I realized that maybe the life I’m trying to live is not the one I want to see myself in 10 years from now. B got back on Saturday and it was so good to see him. I took every opportunity to look at him, smile at him, kiss him. Really love him. Does he feel the same way? Tonight he wants to stay home and clean, then go to bed at 8… For fucks sakes. We’re in our 20’s. I can’t be doing this old couple routine already – it sucks.

I crave excitement. When I used to randomly go out until 2 in the morning for a drive with J. He’d call me and tell me exactly what he wanted from me and I’d be oh so willing to let my inhibitions go and explore with him. Fast cars, fast bikes, loud music, strong alcohol. Bodies moving together on the dance floor, ignoring every other person in the room so that it felt like it was just him and I. I crave excitement.

if the romance dies then how will our relationship last?

I feel like a fraud sometimes. Not out of necessity, but out of a need to figure myself out. Do I fit this label? Am I going to be know for this? Is this what people expect of me? Do I even know who I want to be? Or how I want to turn out. In 10 years what will I have accomplished? Nothing? Everything?

Will I be alone?

Will I have finally pissed off enough people for me to be left entirely on my own?

In other news…

I can’t get into a book. Ever since Me before You I’ve closed myself off emotionally from books. I need some book-spiration.
Hopefully my book club meeting tomorrow will sort that out.

Look out for my next top ten Tuesday post early tomorrow – I need to get back in the groove of blogging.



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