During the dark days all I want to do is hide. I don’t want to talk. I don’t have the energy to go outside and I hate myself for retreating into my own mind and ignoring the world around me. Anytime I do open my mouth I am filled with an instant regret regarding the things I have said. I know that no one wants to hear my twentieth rant about how I am sad and down all the time. About how I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. No one cares about my sad little life. Where I don’t have enough money for school, or for tires for my car to even get to school to pay for school. No one cares. People rely on me less because I fail them most of the time. I’ve begun to write more freely on here again because I know that the people who this may hurt probably aren’t reading. I feel abandoned. Completely deserted. Destroyed. Emotionally. Physically. I’ve been so unkind to my body and to my mind that I don’t know who I am anymore. What do I want for myself? I want to leave this shit hole of a house. I want to marry the love of my life. I want to move far away and forget I ever had parents. I want to live under God forever. I want the peace I feel in the rare moments it is quiet enough in my head to pray. I want to spend a whole week crying in His arms and for Him to tell me that I can relax and let go of all the pain. I want to sit in the middle of nowhere and scream until I feel like myself again. I want to release the bitter anger that has built up inside me and never let it take over me again.
I want to lay down and sleep for years. Spend the next twenty years dreaming about my life to wake up and find that I can start it all over again. Please.