Wednesday

During the dark days all I want to do is hide. I don’t want to talk. I don’t have the energy to go outside and I hate myself for retreating into my own mind and ignoring the world around me. Anytime I do open my mouth I am filled with an instant regret regarding the things I have said. I know that no one wants to hear my twentieth rant about how I am sad and down all the time. About how I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. No one cares about my sad little life. Where I don’t have enough money for school, or for tires for my car to even get to school to pay for school. No one cares. People rely on me less because I fail them most of the time. I’ve begun to write more freely on here again because I know that the people who this may hurt probably aren’t reading. I feel abandoned. Completely deserted. Destroyed. Emotionally. Physically. I’ve been so unkind to my body and to my mind that I don’t know who I am anymore. What do I want for myself? I want to leave this shit hole of a house. I want to marry the love of my life. I want to move far away and forget I ever had parents. I want to live under God forever. I want the peace I feel in the rare moments it is quiet enough in my head to pray. I want to spend a whole week crying in His arms and for Him to tell me that I can relax and let go of all the pain. I want to sit in the middle of nowhere and scream until I feel like myself again. I want to release the bitter anger that has built up inside me and never let it take over me again.

I want to lay down and sleep for years. Spend the next twenty years dreaming about my life to wake up and find that I can start it all over again. Please.

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2 thoughts on “Wednesday

  1. You know I’ve learned that words can’t really fix stuff like this, so I won’t give you the usual “it’s going to be okay” line (though it will be, in the end). Just know that if you ever need to vent you can always email me πŸ™‚ Money and parents and school and tires will all fade away in the end. It’s just stuff. Just things. Little blips in the massive timeline of your life. It’s hard now, but push through another day, and another week, and I can guarantee you that one day you’ll wake up and say, “Hey, I made it. I actually feel good.” It’s the best feeling in the world πŸ™‚

    *huge bear hug*

    1. You’re so right. Just a few days later and I’m feeling more relaxed. Some things are in my control and some are not – I just wish I wouldn’t let my frustrations build up so much. Thank you for your lovely comment πŸ™‚ *huge bear hug back*

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