The Handmaid’s Tale

Just started reading – much happy

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I started to see the light far above my head. Strange how it glistens, mocking me.

Knowing I won’t ever reach it I lean my head back and slip into the comforting gray I know. How it warms me.

Wednesday

During the dark days all I want to do is hide. I don’t want to talk. I don’t have the energy to go outside and I hate myself for retreating into my own mind and ignoring the world around me. Anytime I do open my mouth I am filled with an instant regret regarding the things I have said. I know that no one wants to hear my twentieth rant about how I am sad and down all the time. About how I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. No one cares about my sad little life. Where I don’t have enough money for school, or for tires for my car to even get to school to pay for school. No one cares. People rely on me less because I fail them most of the time. I’ve begun to write more freely on here again because I know that the people who this may hurt probably aren’t reading. I feel abandoned. Completely deserted. Destroyed. Emotionally. Physically. I’ve been so unkind to my body and to my mind that I don’t know who I am anymore. What do I want for myself? I want to leave this shit hole of a house. I want to marry the love of my life. I want to move far away and forget I ever had parents. I want to live under God forever. I want the peace I feel in the rare moments it is quiet enough in my head to pray. I want to spend a whole week crying in His arms and for Him to tell me that I can relax and let go of all the pain. I want to sit in the middle of nowhere and scream until I feel like myself again. I want to release the bitter anger that has built up inside me and never let it take over me again.

I want to lay down and sleep for years. Spend the next twenty years dreaming about my life to wake up and find that I can start it all over again. Please.

I have anxiety issues

It is currently 11:50am and I should be at a rehearsal for the solo I’ve been given, for Christmas, in ten minutes. Unfortunately, my car won’t start. 

Whilst sat in my car, turning the key over in the ignition, only to hear the moans and groans of a frozen battery, I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. This situation would usually be a dream. A gift from God. An excuse to give whoever I happened to be meeting to get out of meeting them. Ah yes. My anxiety. I usually get anxious when I have a list of things to accomplish and, at the same time, a yearning to stay at home and do nothing. It’s a little more complex than that, but you get the point. In the past I would have made up a lie like “my car won’t start” or, “this last minute group project has come up and I can’t get out of their stupid meeting time” to avoid work, social events, church events…did I mention work? Then today happened. I was truly excited about getting to my rehearsal on time and going to drop in to hang out with M and K.. aaaaaaand my car won’t start. What a pain.

So now I’ve come back inside to do the only thing I can do when my anxiety is this high. Write. 

Lately I’ve been thinking hard about what I want to do with my life. I thought teaching was where I wanted to be, and maybe teaching at a higher level than grade school is the answer, but writing holds my heart. I’m not sure where to start but my first thought is to find a job, any job, that involves writing. I don’t care if it’s minute taking, technical writing, freelance journalism, editing students papers, being a TA, whatever. If it gets me into either a university setting, or a permanent writing gig, I’m down. 

In the meantime, my anxiety is now at an all time high and I’m frustrated because this week was going to be an awesome one. Now I feel like crap. Eff.

S

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Happy Wednesday, November 13, Folks!

I haven’t posted a weekly in a while so here goes! Every week Jill at Breaking the Spine hosts ‘Waiting on’ Wednesday. Instead of talking about books that are soon-to-be released I think I will talk about books already on my shelf that I’m looking forward to starting or finishing.

1. Graceling – This book has been staring me in the face for months now – I really want to know how good it is and delve into the world of fantasy this Christmas.

2. The Book Thief I’ve heard so many wonderful things about this one. It’s coming out as a movie soon so Lauren gave me a copy to read… I am ashamed to say I haven’t even started it yet! Sooooooon.

3. Eragon When I book-binged this summer and purchased 15 books in 2 weeks – this was one of them. The entire Inheritance series costs $60 so even though my intention is to read them all, I only bought Eragon and I really want to read it!

4. Sula This Nobel Prize winning novel by Toni Morrison was assigned for my American Lit class. I’ve started it, but we don’t begin analyzing it until next week so I hope to finish this one by Sunday! Such a beautifully written novel.

5. Handmaid’s Tale Margaret Atwood’s novel is on my book list for January 2014 for my Canadian Literature class. I’m pretty curious as to what discussion will come out of this novel in our class.

 

Which books are you looking forward to reading in the coming weeks/New Year? Loop it back.

S

 

Life Update – November 12

That horrible moment when you realize you haven’t written a post on your blog for over a month.

I miss writing so much. I’ve sat down to write many times and have 10 very rough draft posts. I have some ideas for poems – but I’ll wait to unleash them until I start my poetry class in January. Lately I’ve just been so lazy. I wrote a six page essay talking about the layers of history in two poems for my American Literature class a couple weeks ago – after submitting it I realized I had effed up the title and misspelled one of the words. IN THE TITLE. What a mess. Since then I’ve kind of given up on school (not really). For next summer, I’m looking for a job at a magazine, or with a publishing house, as an editing intern. Anything that keeps me writing all summer would be prime.

Personal I’ve been spending a lot of time with A and B recently. Since A’s mum has been away, we’ve just bonded and enjoyed each others company. A brought another A into our little group and she’s wonderful, a little awkward — but wonderful. I had a little shindig for Halloween and while it went really well, something seemed off. Our group isn’t as tight as it once was and I’m afraid that as time goes by we’re all going to start getting pissy at each other. N and K had a celebration for K’s birthday and didn’t invite us, which was weird. B and I are kind of frustrated, and to be honest, my feelings are sort of hurt over it. There is never a time when I don’t invite all of my friends to come and be together, so when I find out that my friends organize events and don’t include me it’s a slap in the face — am I wrong?  Trying to rebuild a friendship is tough. Once you’ve been screwed over it’s tricky to trust that person again. I’m not sure what will happen, but hopefully it’ll blow over and we can all just learn to be more considerate of each other.

My anxiety has been super high lately. Lots of what I have going on is getting me stressed. If I’m not at school, I’m working. If I’m not working, I’m volunteering. Then I have rehearsals for Sundays and Christmas. I teach Jr. High Class. I also have friends, and my mum in one house and my dad in another. My man keeps me grounded, but it’s hard to talk about such depressing things sometimes. I don’t want to be a downer, so I keep things to myself and then they build up and the ground is swallowing me and even though nothing bad is happening I feel like I can’t breath and I’m suffocating all because of how exciting life is… Because I just can’t cope with too many things at once. Does anyone else feel this way?

BooksI can’t believe how good this month was for me and books. I read Doctor’s Sleep which was pretty fantastic, started reading Dante’s Inferno and Sula by Toni Morrison (for my Am. Lit. Class). The rundown from now until Christmas will be so busy for reading so I’m getting a head start. Speaking of which I should go and read for my class tomorrow morning as it’s already 11pm and I’m exhausted.

I’m sorry I’m not around much – I’ll try to post more than once a month from now on!

S

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What a surprise! I had no idea this was even a thing until I was nominated by my dear friend Lauren @ Books, Tea & Me. First, a little background on this award and what I must do to formally accept it.

The purpose of this award is to recognize emerging bloggers and also to encourage people to visit and interact with other bloggers. There are a few rules to accepting the award.

• Each nominee must link back to the person who nominated them.
• Answer the 10 questions which are given to you by the nominator.
• Nominate 10 other bloggers for this award who have less than 200 followers.
• Create 10 questions for your nominees to answer.
• Let the nominees know that they have been nominated by going to their blog and notifying them.

Nominator’s Questions

1. Is there a book that you tell people you’ve read but honestly have not?
B is going to hate me for this one – but I actually have never finished reading Under the Dome by Stephen King… so I’m not sure how the TV show ends or what the dome is all about. Sorry baby!

2.  If you could trade places with any famous person for one day, who would it be?
I would love to spend an evening listening and watching Ella Fitzgerald sing on stage. I don’t know names, but whoever had the chance to listen to her amazing talent for an evening.

3. What is your most frustrating book-related pet peeve?
I can’t stand it when there are multiple, two or three-page chapter. Please, just stay focused long enough to get something out!

4. If you could change one event in the history of fiction, what would it be?
I wish they hadn’t made Harry Potter books into movies. I can’t even remember how I used to picture Harry and his friends before Daniel Radcliffe was cast as HP.

5. What is your guilty pleasure?
I smoke the occasionally joint – why? Because I can and I like it ^_^

6. Which is your favorite season?
I love spring, but here in Calgary we usually have winter right up to the day before Stampede starts in July. This year Fall has been beautiful, there’s something magical about seeing everything shut down for Winter. I’ll say Fall 🙂

7. Which fictional character do you relate to?
Not from a book – but I feel like Monica Gellar (Friends) and I are kindred spirits. I’m anal and everyone I love knows it and accepts it. Ultimately all we want is to be successful in a career, get married, have babies, and live a beautifully structured life.

8. If you had to choose one genre (like world building, emotional realistic) to be stuck reading your entire life, which would it be?
This is a tough question… I think I’d go with historical fiction. Revolution, The Girl You Left Behind, Sarah’s Key, etc. All fantastic reads and I’m always on the hunt for more!

9. Name five books you’d recommend to turn one into a book- lover.
City of Bones, Me Before You, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Revolution, and, 1984 (this last one is a heavy read, but a classic that is so intriguing it’ll turn any ‘non-reader’ into a lover of literature!!)

10. If you could be anyone from The Hunger Games except for Katniss, who would you be?
Oh boy.. probably Effie Trinket. Although she drives you crazy, you can’t help but admire her upbeat attitude towards everything. Plus she dresses in such a neat way 🙂

This next part was really tough! There are so many people I’d love to nominate for this award. To accept the award simply follow the steps listed above – my questions for you are below 🙂  Afterthought: I’m going to leave some blank so I can nominate some later this year or next.

My nominations ❤

1. Liza @ Classy Cat Books – this blog is impressive! Liza has reviewed at least 30 books since I started following her blog and every review is insightful and informative.

2. Helen – Helen has been a friend of the family for a long time now and even though I’m sure she has more than 200 followers I wanted to spread the love 🙂

3. Mo @ Mo_Books – I recently started following Mo’s blog. I love how involved in the book community she is. I should follow her lead and get more involved in discussions around the interwebs.

4. The lovelies @ Casual Readers – I was looking for a book club blog to follow for a long time. They started as a group on Goodreads and now I’m hoping to hop into that group and join them on their casual reading adventures! Ps. There ain’t nothing casual about how much these guys read.. wowza!

5. Kayla @ The Thousand Lives – Girl, you’ve probably been nominated 1000 times but you’re seriously one of my favourite bloggers. Super sweet and such a great writer!

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Questions for those nominated…

1. If you could live in the setting of one novel, which one would you choose?

2. You must choose three things to take to a deserted island – what would you take?

3. What is your most prized possession?

4. If you could go back in time and relive one memory, what would it be?

5. What is your favourite song?

6. Who is your best friend? What is he/she like?

7. Where was the last place you went on vacation?

8. Who would you most want to sit down and have dinner with?

9. Why did you start blogging?

10. When is your birthday? (just because I probably didn’t know until now…!)

Now I must go and spread the love and let the lovelies know I think they’re blogs are Liebster worthy!

S

Friday (Morning)

It is 9:16 am, as I sit down to write this post, and it has already been such a beautiful day. I wish I could say that the beauty extended to the weather outside, although I have to admit we are having autumn in a way I’ve never seen in Calgary. I woke up to a text from my dear friend J giving me instructions on exactly how to get to her apartment for tomorrow’s “friends-giving”. It’s the first time we’ve been invited to a thanksgiving dinner outside our family and it just makes me feel all grown up! I’m not sure what to wear, but it’s going to be something Fall and something fabulous!!

I then checked other notifications on my phone and there were a bunch from WordPress. Instead of looking at each one on the tiny screen on my phone I moved to my laptop and began to open all the messages of love left behind from visitors to my blog. I reached fifty followers and have been nominated for the Liebster Award ❤ Lauren has been the inspiration behind this blog since day one. Even though our lives are quite different and we don’t see each other as often as either of us would like, I feel she has become family.

Along with a few other people here in Calgary, A and B, I’ve never felt as blessed when it comes to companionship as I do now. True friends. Not just friends that text when they’re bored and remember you’re around – friends that actively think of you and are excited to see you busy in your life. They’re happy for you when, even though you don’t have time to hang out as often, you are genuinely happy.

What a wonderful morning.

Over the last few days I realized that I still have so many faults that I need to work on. When it comes to my faith and being an upstanding citizen, I sometimes feel like a failure. Instead of letting this get me down I’m now just allowing that feeling of disappointment to push me forward and make me work at being a better, more loving, less-selfish person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m unbearably selfish, or hateful, I just feel like those two areas of my personality need work done to get to place where I am happy.

In other news: I’m giving myself two days to read The Book Thief, and then I must get back to my course readings – In Cold Blood and Scarlet Letter (somehow I managed to get an A on that exam without having even read the book – hehe).
Love you all. Thank you so much for your support on this blog. There are some stand out blogs for me that should expect some award nominations soon 🙂

 

S