Tag Archives: Personal

Officially psyched for the next few years. I’ve found a couple programs I want to work towards – one in the UK – University of Kingston. The program would be for one year working towards my “Publishing & Creative Economy Masters (MA)” specializing in women’s literary traditions? Or women’s writing since the seventeenth century??

EITHER WAY – That would be perfect, Kingston is only 20 mins drive from Grandmas (about an hour on the bus) I could totally make that work! Wow..

S. Don’t lose sight of what is most important. Take the small steps now so that looking back in ten years, you can say ‘wow, I’ve come so far.’

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Thursday Evening

Tonight I am slowing down to appreciate the simple pleasures of life. After reconnecting with some friends from the past I invited my favourites of today to join me in an evening of inappropriate smoking, drinking wine and, 100% guaranteed, an amazing evening 🙂 

The happy comes in waves – Perhaps I have too much time on my hands? I constantly worry about the dumb things in life. But for now, just the glass in my hand and the friends sat across the table dominate my mind and consume my energy.

True happiness.

Prospect of Love

What’s wrong? Where are the smiles we used to share
behind the backs of the others?

Why are you keeping your sadness inside? I want to know whats wrong,
hold you until you feel safe enough to walk ahead of me.
Don’t you know you’re stronger than this?

Never look back, just know that I am half a step behind you
ready to catch you if you should fall.
Not that you would be down for long, because you’re you.

I admire. I fall every time. I just can’t help but love you.

Shambala. It’s going to happen. I just read a post that convinced me even more that this is something I need to experience. I’m not only excited about the chance to go this summer, but the chance to attend the next year, and the next.

I had a “earth-to” moment today when I came to the conclusion that my life is boring and I need to change it – ASAP. So I spent many hours today thinking about my life now, and my life five years ago, but more importantly, my life five years from now.. Am I heading down the path I really want to be following? Or is that dark mysterious forest to the left more my style? Right now I’m dabbling on the edge but I think life would be far more interesting if I indulge for just a few years. Then I’ll return to this narrow path and be a closeted freak. I just want a few years to experience every sensation, see horribly beautiful, sexual, earthly, natural things…

does any of this make sense?

Anyway. Take a look at the blog post that gave me the desire to go, here.

And these are two songs to convince you to come too…this one and this one! The more I listen to ‘Move for Me’ the more amazing it becomes.

Have a wonderful night you readers of blog posts,

S

I started to see the light far above my head. Strange how it glistens, mocking me.

Knowing I won’t ever reach it I lean my head back and slip into the comforting gray I know. How it warms me.

I have anxiety issues

It is currently 11:50am and I should be at a rehearsal for the solo I’ve been given, for Christmas, in ten minutes. Unfortunately, my car won’t start. 

Whilst sat in my car, turning the key over in the ignition, only to hear the moans and groans of a frozen battery, I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. This situation would usually be a dream. A gift from God. An excuse to give whoever I happened to be meeting to get out of meeting them. Ah yes. My anxiety. I usually get anxious when I have a list of things to accomplish and, at the same time, a yearning to stay at home and do nothing. It’s a little more complex than that, but you get the point. In the past I would have made up a lie like “my car won’t start” or, “this last minute group project has come up and I can’t get out of their stupid meeting time” to avoid work, social events, church events…did I mention work? Then today happened. I was truly excited about getting to my rehearsal on time and going to drop in to hang out with M and K.. aaaaaaand my car won’t start. What a pain.

So now I’ve come back inside to do the only thing I can do when my anxiety is this high. Write. 

Lately I’ve been thinking hard about what I want to do with my life. I thought teaching was where I wanted to be, and maybe teaching at a higher level than grade school is the answer, but writing holds my heart. I’m not sure where to start but my first thought is to find a job, any job, that involves writing. I don’t care if it’s minute taking, technical writing, freelance journalism, editing students papers, being a TA, whatever. If it gets me into either a university setting, or a permanent writing gig, I’m down. 

In the meantime, my anxiety is now at an all time high and I’m frustrated because this week was going to be an awesome one. Now I feel like crap. Eff.

S

Life Update – November 12

That horrible moment when you realize you haven’t written a post on your blog for over a month.

I miss writing so much. I’ve sat down to write many times and have 10 very rough draft posts. I have some ideas for poems – but I’ll wait to unleash them until I start my poetry class in January. Lately I’ve just been so lazy. I wrote a six page essay talking about the layers of history in two poems for my American Literature class a couple weeks ago – after submitting it I realized I had effed up the title and misspelled one of the words. IN THE TITLE. What a mess. Since then I’ve kind of given up on school (not really). For next summer, I’m looking for a job at a magazine, or with a publishing house, as an editing intern. Anything that keeps me writing all summer would be prime.

Personal I’ve been spending a lot of time with A and B recently. Since A’s mum has been away, we’ve just bonded and enjoyed each others company. A brought another A into our little group and she’s wonderful, a little awkward — but wonderful. I had a little shindig for Halloween and while it went really well, something seemed off. Our group isn’t as tight as it once was and I’m afraid that as time goes by we’re all going to start getting pissy at each other. N and K had a celebration for K’s birthday and didn’t invite us, which was weird. B and I are kind of frustrated, and to be honest, my feelings are sort of hurt over it. There is never a time when I don’t invite all of my friends to come and be together, so when I find out that my friends organize events and don’t include me it’s a slap in the face — am I wrong?  Trying to rebuild a friendship is tough. Once you’ve been screwed over it’s tricky to trust that person again. I’m not sure what will happen, but hopefully it’ll blow over and we can all just learn to be more considerate of each other.

My anxiety has been super high lately. Lots of what I have going on is getting me stressed. If I’m not at school, I’m working. If I’m not working, I’m volunteering. Then I have rehearsals for Sundays and Christmas. I teach Jr. High Class. I also have friends, and my mum in one house and my dad in another. My man keeps me grounded, but it’s hard to talk about such depressing things sometimes. I don’t want to be a downer, so I keep things to myself and then they build up and the ground is swallowing me and even though nothing bad is happening I feel like I can’t breath and I’m suffocating all because of how exciting life is… Because I just can’t cope with too many things at once. Does anyone else feel this way?

BooksI can’t believe how good this month was for me and books. I read Doctor’s Sleep which was pretty fantastic, started reading Dante’s Inferno and Sula by Toni Morrison (for my Am. Lit. Class). The rundown from now until Christmas will be so busy for reading so I’m getting a head start. Speaking of which I should go and read for my class tomorrow morning as it’s already 11pm and I’m exhausted.

I’m sorry I’m not around much – I’ll try to post more than once a month from now on!

S